Oh how I hate you brassica oleracea!

How does the cabbage do it? Simultaneously it manages to be both a tastelessly dull and fibrous vegetable, whilst at the same time an odd collection of the most vile and repugnant smells you’ve ever experienced – old farts, a stray dog, chronic BO etc. One thing is certain: it is loathsome. Unfortunately, tonight cabbage and I crossed one another - it was the bane of my tea.

Now hold on a moment – don’t pelt me with lentils and Quorn quite just yet! Believe it or not, I do like vegetables. I mean, nothing goes better with a wholesome Sunday roast then some Brussels sprouts, carrots and peas. I even enjoy broccoli, it has a lovely distinctive taste that lends itself well to so many dishes. The fact that so many other, much nicer, vegetables are around makes me wonder: why the hell are cabbages still being grown! I mean for Heaven’s sake! They just seem to be like the packaging for a more attractive vegetable, the outer layer as it were. In fact, the packaging analogy doesn’t stop there – they taste like a cardboard box. Ok, before anyone harps on to me about the wonderful nutritional benefits that pertain to brassica oleracea, let me say this: I would rather die aged 40 after being happy, hedonistic and chocolate guzzling than having been a pious rabbit, methodically munching on cabbage and generally not enjoying myself.

So, farmers of the world – I implore you, burn your cabbages!